A new reality

Everything is hitting me like a load of bricks today.  Its like the reality of all of this is finally sinking in.  I'm trying not to go to "that place" and I'm trying to focus on the countdown process, but I have to admit that the last 24 hours have been a challenge emotionally.  Yesterday, we woke up in our lovely Whyte street hotel room @ 4 am so we had enough time to shower and pack before driving out to the Edmonton Garrison for Chris' send off.   We arrived there around 5:30am, to a huge room full of a few hundred uniformed soldiers and about half as many family members.   It was sad to me to see so many of those leaving without family there to see them off, and even sadder to see those with young children who couldn't have possibly truly understood the impact that all of this is going to have on them in the coming months. 

     I was there with Ed and Pam, Pam's boyfriend, Trudy (Chris' mom) and her husband.  Trudy's sister and her husband (Chris' aunt and uncle)  were also there, as were DJ and Kris Porlier.   I think it was a little overwhelming for Chris to have so many people there and I really felt his strong need to get on that bus.   He definately didn't want to hang around until the last possible moment and I could understand why.    

    I held on until the final 10 minutes or so when I didn't totally lose it but found it difficult to stay focused on being strong for Chris.   I wasn't the only one having a hard time but probably was the most outwardly emotional of the bunch.   I was very thankful that Kris Porlier was there not only to cry into, but also to make me smile and laugh even through the sadness.  We went out for breakfast afterwards which was fairly nice considering what we had just faced.  It was weird that Chris wasn't there but nice to spend time with his family at that time.  

   Afterwards, I spent some time at Kris' parent's place before heading out the airport.  We had some good conversation in the car and I was feeling a lot better in the afternoon. By the time I was stuck waiting in the airport for my delayed flight, I was pretty exhausted!  I tried to sleep in the plane but had little success.  I couldn't stop thinking about Chris on his own plane, wondering what must be going through his mind.   

   Once back in Vancouver, I trudged my bags back to my car and drove down to the outdoor stores strip on Broadway to waste some time before choir rehearsal.   I still had about 2 hours to wait, so I parked in Kerrisdale and walked to a starbucks to clear my head a bit.   It was beautiful out and I found that difficult because it made me think of him and how much I wished he was there with me to enjoy the crisp air.   

    Today is worse than yesterday.  Mostly I think because I'm home and the reality of all of this is starting to sink in.  I didn't take a job today (though I had a number of calls).  I think it was the right choice.  I think this is an important part of the process, to reflect upon everything up until this point.. and to focus on things upcoming as well.  

    The one thing I didn't expect to feel was guilt.  Everything I do is making me feel guilty.  Eating good food, lounging on the couch, getting a good night's sleep.  Its silly but I'm having a hard time with it.   Of course I expected to miss him and Im thinking constantly about what he might be doing at any given moment, but the guilt is a weird one.

   I've been reading "outside the wire"  which Ed lent to me.  Its depressing, but inspiring and really interesting.  Its funny that now he is gone, I'm far more interested in learning about whats going on there and definately more focused on him that I think I was when he was here. I think I was avoiding the emotionally context of the situation, but now that he is gone it has become undeniably apparant and real for me.  I have to face it and I may as well face it head on and be educated and informed and as involed in the process as I can be.  

     Reading is making me more aware of how the soldiers feel about the situation.  I never thought I could understand why it is they want to be there, but its starting to be a little clearer.  I can see how it must be exciting - facing the unknown everyday in a foreign country - on a "team" with soldiers from all over the world, working together to "fight"  the "bad guys".  It *almost*  makes me wish I was there to experience the adventure alongside him.   I think more because it will be such a life changing experience and I wish we could be having those kindof experience together.  We will  both change a lot in the next 6 months.  I'm just hoping that both of us reconnect again on the other side.

     I guess I'm feeling guilty for not taking more interest in all of this before he left, but it was hard, I wasn't ready.  Now I have no choice but to be ready.   For now, we'll take it one day at a time and start the countdown and not go to the bad emotional places that this might take us to.  Instead, its important I think to write down my thoughts so that somewhere down the line I can reflect upon my feelings now and hopefully realize that we've come a long way.  Though that feels a long way off, I know it will coming sooner than I expect it to.   In the meantime, please send along your good thoughts to Chris on his journey over there.   We will be sending packages regularily so let me know if you want me to include anything and I can come pick it up and send it along in one of the packages for you.    only 6 months to go!  

not soon enough

Lots of things are happening right now, but it still feels like things are not happening soon enough.  I had the biggest argument I've had with my parents since I moved back home this evening. It was about nothing but space really... and my dad asks "when is it that you are leaving again?"  - obviously not soon enough!   

       In other parts of my life, I'm feeling similarly.  Chris' leave date was set for Feb. 15th and its now possible he will leave sooner.   And, of course its not that I want him to leave and go to Afghanistan.. but somehow for me, his leaving earlier signifies us getting closer to spending our lives together in that the sooner he goes the sooner he is back and the sooner we can move on with our relationship and our lives.  It has been months and years or long distance for us, and its been good, we've made the best out of the situation.  The last year truthfully flew by pretty fast considering he was in Edmonton and I was here.  He visited lots and we have lots of great memories and very few negatives ones from the past year that I can remember.   Things are pretty great aside from the fact that we live apart and I think thats why I feel like its time for us to be together in the same city for more than a few weeks at a time.

     We went to a family briefing this past weekend and they told us that for the soldiers, the time will pass quickly, but for the families it may seem to really drag on.  I guess traveling will help with that. I am hoping so at least.  We also went to a change of command parade for the unit where Chris and the others from his unit going on this tour were asked to step forward in their ranks.  They addressed them as a group and thanked them for stepping up to the plate for the unit and for Canada.   The one thing I really liked was that the woman speaking didn't say to "pray" for the soldiers while they were there, but just to send good thoughts.  I know that everyone that knows Chris and I will be doing the same and I appreciate everyone's support even when none of us (including myself) can really know what this will be like for them or even for me to go through.   Though I'm still not completely sold on this mission, I'm starting to see its importance for both the soldiers and for the the Afghan people as well.  So I am trying to support him in this and trying to keep in mind that this is an experience he needs to have, and just hoping that he feels he has fulfilled his duty after one tour and doesn't ever want to leave again!!    It is somewhat consoling to know that he is going over with some good buddies and people who I now know and trust to take care of him when I cannot.   It is starting to hit home emotionally but I dont know that this will fully sink in until I head to Edmonton for the departure and then, maybe not even until I internalize everything and start to realize I cant just call him when I have something exciting to tell him or just to hear his voice.   In the meantime I am trying to keep positive and we are focusing on all of the exciting things on the horizon.  I think positive thinking is going to be helpful through this journey for the next 7 months.  Keep sending positives vibes to everyone you know!! 

halfway through Jan

so it is hard to believe we are already halfway through January.  doesn't it seem like the older we get, the faster time goes by?  Its just so crazy!!   So far I've been about 50/50 with my resolutions.  I met with Amy to discuss travel plans for Africa and I'm hoping to go down to see a travel agent today to start booking some of the flights.  Its getting a little complicated because of Chris' undetermined leave dates (though we think its possible they are in April).. and the fact that there are all these military rules about who he can bring, where I can fly out of, etc. etc.  Its frustrating to say the least but not his fault.

      I've been working out pretty well every day this past week - but yoga totally kicked my butt on Sat. It was brutally hot and humid (waaaay more than any other bikrams class I've ever been in) and it was one of those low days when I just felt like everyone around me was bringing me down (including myself) and I was being pulled into a vat of bad vibes.   I'm in kind of a weird space these days.   Preparing for the trip is exciting but also somewhat stressful, and not knowing if I'll be working from one day to the next is a little different from the last time I was TOCing.   I worked a half day yesterday, but didn't get a call today... so it is hard to feel productive and motivated without a concrete schedule to work from.  I like knowing my weekly schedule so I can plan things around it, but this is just so different.  I'm going to have to find ways to motivate myself during the day to get things done.  Its not as if there is nothing to do - I just have to start getting some of the random things done that have been on my to-do list for eons!

     As for Chris leaving, it is starting to get to me a little more as we get closer to that day.   We dont know the date yet, big surprise there, but I know that soon I'll be more concerned about catching the daily news report and always trying to be available to accept phone calls even if its at weird hours, and thinking of little things I can send him in packages.  I think my mom said it best, and she was right.  It is just going to be such a different year for us.  No school, no permanent job, the stress of Chris being away, the fact that we'll just be waiting waiting waiting for him to be home.  The traveling to various places on my own (without the aid of a planned choir itinerary I usually follow to the T).   Just so much happening in such a short amount of time.  Its going to be a whirlwind of activity, which I always love, but its going to be a difficult year emotionally and I'm sure I will grow a lot through these experiences.   

   For today, I'm off to the bank to discuss money matters and then hopefully over to the travel agent to start booking this trip, and then perhaps I'll brave the terribly hot yoga class again and see if I can do more than 5 poses this time without feeling like I'm going to die from heat exhaustion!!  Overall, I just have to keep myself busy and enjoy what I have and keep myself focused on the road ahead. 

more resolutions!

Ok.. so I thought of two more resolutions over the course of the day.. which I realize gives me 12.. but then I figured- 12 months in the year, one resolution per month roughly? ;)

so, without further ado:

11) wear a pedometer daily to track my steps - the goal is to walk at least 10,000 steps per day (and when I ran the 1/2 marathon last year I think I only got about 24,000 and thats for 21.5 kms!! My point being.. this seems like an easy one but really may prove not to be that easy!)

12) floss regularily

OK.. so thats it. 12 resolutions, 12 months.

A new blog for a new year

Alright... so I've decided its time to start blogging again.  It has been said that writing things down helps you to internalize things and also helps you to do be more accountable.  So, with credit to my friend Steve who blogs on a regular basis, I've decided to start a blog this year to help get me through what is going to be quite a crazy year.  Chris heads off to Afghanistan in a month, and, having completed my last teaching contract, I am back to subbing for local school districts.     Though it is going to be an emotional year, I also have exciting things to look forward to like some traveling in April and National Youth Choir in May. 

  So, to start, and only because I know writing this down will make me more accountable to actually complete these things,  here is my list of resolutions for 2008:

1) I will drink more water (at least 1 litre a day, 2 if I'm planning on doing a bikrams class!)

2) I will do some form of exercise 6 days a week (even if its weights in front of the tube).

3) I will organize my teaching resources in the filing cabinet (this has been done but there is a pile of stuff I have to file)

4) I will go to bed earlier and wake up earlier on a regular basis (I'm thinking 10:00 bedtime, 6:30 wakeup call).

5) I will check my posture on a more regular basis.

6) I will travel to Africa!! (even if I don't have a travel partner and even if I don't have the money!) 

7) I will pay off my student loans 

8) I will learn how to cook at least 10 new healthy meals before Chris gets home.

9) I will purge my closet!!

10) I will learn how to take better photographs (and try to take a class if I can afford to!)

Ok.. so 10 resolutions seem like a lot... but in past years, I've always stuck to just one resolution.  In that case, if you don't complete the resolution, you feel pretty bad about it.  So, Steve (again, I have to give him credit on this one)  inspired me to give myself a list of 10. That way, if some don't get completed, its ok, because some will!   

It's a year with plenty to look forward to, but also plenty of things I'm completely afraid of.   I'm sure it will be a year for me to grow emotionally, spiritually, and otherwise.   I hope that writing down my thoughts (whether or not anyone actually reads them)  can only help in terms of getting myself through the rough times and celebrating the successes.