A new reality

Everything is hitting me like a load of bricks today.  Its like the reality of all of this is finally sinking in.  I'm trying not to go to "that place" and I'm trying to focus on the countdown process, but I have to admit that the last 24 hours have been a challenge emotionally.  Yesterday, we woke up in our lovely Whyte street hotel room @ 4 am so we had enough time to shower and pack before driving out to the Edmonton Garrison for Chris' send off.   We arrived there around 5:30am, to a huge room full of a few hundred uniformed soldiers and about half as many family members.   It was sad to me to see so many of those leaving without family there to see them off, and even sadder to see those with young children who couldn't have possibly truly understood the impact that all of this is going to have on them in the coming months. 

     I was there with Ed and Pam, Pam's boyfriend, Trudy (Chris' mom) and her husband.  Trudy's sister and her husband (Chris' aunt and uncle)  were also there, as were DJ and Kris Porlier.   I think it was a little overwhelming for Chris to have so many people there and I really felt his strong need to get on that bus.   He definately didn't want to hang around until the last possible moment and I could understand why.    

    I held on until the final 10 minutes or so when I didn't totally lose it but found it difficult to stay focused on being strong for Chris.   I wasn't the only one having a hard time but probably was the most outwardly emotional of the bunch.   I was very thankful that Kris Porlier was there not only to cry into, but also to make me smile and laugh even through the sadness.  We went out for breakfast afterwards which was fairly nice considering what we had just faced.  It was weird that Chris wasn't there but nice to spend time with his family at that time.  

   Afterwards, I spent some time at Kris' parent's place before heading out the airport.  We had some good conversation in the car and I was feeling a lot better in the afternoon. By the time I was stuck waiting in the airport for my delayed flight, I was pretty exhausted!  I tried to sleep in the plane but had little success.  I couldn't stop thinking about Chris on his own plane, wondering what must be going through his mind.   

   Once back in Vancouver, I trudged my bags back to my car and drove down to the outdoor stores strip on Broadway to waste some time before choir rehearsal.   I still had about 2 hours to wait, so I parked in Kerrisdale and walked to a starbucks to clear my head a bit.   It was beautiful out and I found that difficult because it made me think of him and how much I wished he was there with me to enjoy the crisp air.   

    Today is worse than yesterday.  Mostly I think because I'm home and the reality of all of this is starting to sink in.  I didn't take a job today (though I had a number of calls).  I think it was the right choice.  I think this is an important part of the process, to reflect upon everything up until this point.. and to focus on things upcoming as well.  

    The one thing I didn't expect to feel was guilt.  Everything I do is making me feel guilty.  Eating good food, lounging on the couch, getting a good night's sleep.  Its silly but I'm having a hard time with it.   Of course I expected to miss him and Im thinking constantly about what he might be doing at any given moment, but the guilt is a weird one.

   I've been reading "outside the wire"  which Ed lent to me.  Its depressing, but inspiring and really interesting.  Its funny that now he is gone, I'm far more interested in learning about whats going on there and definately more focused on him that I think I was when he was here. I think I was avoiding the emotionally context of the situation, but now that he is gone it has become undeniably apparant and real for me.  I have to face it and I may as well face it head on and be educated and informed and as involed in the process as I can be.  

     Reading is making me more aware of how the soldiers feel about the situation.  I never thought I could understand why it is they want to be there, but its starting to be a little clearer.  I can see how it must be exciting - facing the unknown everyday in a foreign country - on a "team" with soldiers from all over the world, working together to "fight"  the "bad guys".  It *almost*  makes me wish I was there to experience the adventure alongside him.   I think more because it will be such a life changing experience and I wish we could be having those kindof experience together.  We will  both change a lot in the next 6 months.  I'm just hoping that both of us reconnect again on the other side.

     I guess I'm feeling guilty for not taking more interest in all of this before he left, but it was hard, I wasn't ready.  Now I have no choice but to be ready.   For now, we'll take it one day at a time and start the countdown and not go to the bad emotional places that this might take us to.  Instead, its important I think to write down my thoughts so that somewhere down the line I can reflect upon my feelings now and hopefully realize that we've come a long way.  Though that feels a long way off, I know it will coming sooner than I expect it to.   In the meantime, please send along your good thoughts to Chris on his journey over there.   We will be sending packages regularily so let me know if you want me to include anything and I can come pick it up and send it along in one of the packages for you.    only 6 months to go!